I recently tweeted that one should not look down on Internet dating, as in the modern age of technology, finding your next friend or partner in cyberspace is more than likely! All it takes is for someone to appeal to your better nature by ‘liking’ a picture or giving you a cheeky Facebook poke. Some of my followers were outraged. ‘Internet relationships aren’t real!’ they said, ‘I wouldn’t trust anyone from the net!’ In hindsight, I still stick by my guns.

When meeting someone, we all put our best foot forward in the hope that the one we pursue finds us as smooth as a freshly shaven cheek on a Friday night, as suave as a Tom Ford glasses. Online, that best foot turns into a profile of mixed messages as we try to lure the world into our bubble of attractiveness. In other words, pleasing everybody doesn’t always work! Be sure to avoid the following, as more often than not, you are not as subtle as you often think.

  1. A common crime is attempting to find a balance between sexiness and religion. It just doesn’t work. Bio phrases include, “I HEART GOD” and “Jesus is the only man in my life,” whilst your profile picture sees you staggering home after that night with your pectorals poking through the most offensive Sin of Style – The V-Neck.
  2. The ‘upload, delete and repeat’ technique is probably the most piteous. We didn’t ‘like’ your choice of socks this morning, and it is not going to be any different this afternoon.
  3. Similar to the above, I present the strategy of follow, unfollow, follow, unfo- you get the gist. Imagine walking behind someone in real-life. Then stop, wait for a minute, then continue to walk behind them again. You are either regarded as scarily indecisive, or a harasser. You choose.
  4. For want of a classier spelling, we have the ‘Hash-tag Heaux.’ “Me?” I hear you scream? Yes, you. I once witnessed these very hash-tags:

#Me #Eye #You #Swag #Boy #Boys #Male #Males #cute #smile #shoes #tshirt #scarf #instaMood #instaHappy #instaYou #instaMe #instaUs #life #death

I don’t believe I need to say much else. The worst offender is the one who deletes these after a couple of days. Desperate attempt? I would say so.

  1. The caption says ‘Check out my new Tom Ford glasses!’ whilst the image is actually 2% glasses and 98% you, naked. I call this the attempted subliminal technique. Aside from the issue that you are not clothed, perhaps simply captioning your upload ‘Hey guys, check out my six pack – I worked hard!’ would fare better. Hey – at least you were honest!